Talking with children 5 and under about racism.
Books for children http://hereweeread.com/2017/11/2018-ultimate-list-diverse-childrens-books.html
Social Justice Books website https://socialjusticebooks.org/booklists/slavery/
Age 2+: Lovely by Jess Hong. We’re Different We’re the Same by Bobbi Kates.
Ages 3-4 years: Is There a Human Race? Harper Collins,Canada. The Skin You Live In by Michael Tyler. Mailika's Costume , Groundwood Books. All the Colors of the Earth by Sheila Hamanaka.
Ages 4+ All Are Welcome by Alexandra Penfold. Ron’s Big Mission, Written by Rose Blue and Corrine Naden. Love Twelve Miles Long by Glenda Armand. Sweet Clara and the Freedom Quilt by Debra Hokinson. A Kids Book about Racism by Jelani Memory
Parent resources: Raising White Kids by Jennifer Harvey. Me and White Supremacy by Layla Saad
Unpacking the Knapsack of White Privilege by Peggie McIntosh
75 things white people could do for racial justice. https://medium.com/equality-includes-you/what-white-people-can-do-for-racial-justice-f2d18b0e0234
Talking race with children 5 and under is an edited transcript from my podcast, Awkwardness and Grace.
Welcome back I took a hiatus to homeschool my very energetic 8 year old son. It has been an unprecedented last couple of months that has pushed my family’s limits to beyond what we ever imagined. Emotional rollercoaster! I feel we have confronted many emotional challenges and are working as a family to stay connected with our community for strength and love. The ongoing atrocities to black bodies has re-ignited in me how important it is to work with parents when it comes to talking about racism.
In order to understand where I am coming from here is a sliver of my life.
I was raised in Orange country which was predominately white so my upbringing was white centered. Fellow children who were not white were pretty ostracized and not included. I am ½ German, ¼ Italian and ¼ Puerto Rican and was often made fun of because of my light olive skin and curly hair. My mom assimilated and raised me to be kind to everyone and that everyone is equal. Which is the extent of my race education. It wasn't until I adopted Black children that I really became aware of structural racism and the plight of my AA friends. And I am still learning! I have taken AA history classes, read like crazy, go to seminars and I am in the process of finishing a study called “The Race Project” which is about how White American parents and Black American parents talk to their kids about race. Very eye opening!
My children are the impetus of talking to parents about race. I realized that when my eldest son was little I was having to think about race almost daily. I had to face comments that were made to him or me that I would never have to face if I had white children. My white friends were able to pass on any in-depth conversations about race. For myself I was pretty terrified to talk about it with my eldest son because I am white which put me in a role of the historical perpetrator to Black people. Also I was never taught about racism so I had no tools to proceed with confidence. So I am using my white mama of black kid power to help others talk to their kids.
My first step was Educating myself.
When you educate yourself about race then you have the material to talk to your child and will feel more confident when talking with them. Don’t feel you need all the right answers but if you have a foundation of terms, and knowledge then you have the tools you need to have a responsible and meaningful conversation. Using facts is always useful especially with teens. For younger children answers can be more simple and age appropriate.
When talking with your child use the right terminology. For the last couple of years I have been researching “How White American and Black American Parents talk to their kids about race. In the Race Project study the most difficult question for everyone, including the Black parents was...Define your concept of race? According to most dictionaries Race is a group of humans with shared inherited physical traits or social qualities generally viewed as distinct by society. Note the part: Viewed as distinct by society. It means Race is actually a social construct!!! There are not different “races”. People are 99.9% the same. This was verified by the Human Genome Project in the 1990’s.
This may be new information for you. Just by listening to this podcast you are already educating yourself.
I want to emphasize that today I am focusing on children 5 years and younger so some of the dialogue may seem overly simplified. Well it is! So the under 5’s can get it.
You want to be the one your child comes to first so in the future they will feel comfortable talking with you about race or when a situation arises.
Quite often our babes pop out questions that really throw us for a loop. If they make an unsavory comment in front of someone of color. Stay calm even if you are flustered.
Acknowledge the person they are talking about. This lets the person know that you are aware of the comment, that you are trying to help your child understand and that you respect the person as a fellow human being. It also shows your child that you respect this person and the person is worthy of being treated respectfully.
Sometimes you are left speechless. We are all learning as we go and you may not have the best answer at the moment. Again, acknowledge the person, tell your child that you need to think about the response or need to have this conversation in private.
Your child is watching you so if you are outwardly shocked and tell them to be quiet they will not understand and they will think it is a taboo subject and shy away from future conversations. They may be curious and don’t have the right words. Keep it simple. The answer will depend on the age.
As a mother of AA children, my kids and I have been hurt by the comments kids have made to my kids. Like “African American’s brush their teeth with poop. That is why they have dark skin”. “Your skin is dirty”. “Your ugly”. “Why is your hair like that”? As a parent I know kids have no filter and are trying to figure out the world and love to see a reaction. These comments have come from the mouths of kids whose parents are “liberal” and would cringe at the thought of their child saying these things. I have to be immensely patient, although I do understand why POC get really tired of these comments.
Newborn to 3 years
From the time your child is 3 months old they recognize race difference and have a race preference at 6 months old. They see the race difference but they do not have any social context of racism. They are not “colorblind”. In fact teaching your child to be colorblind is a white way of erasing and not recognizing the value of African Americans and POC and perpetuating racism.
Believe it or not, at this young age you get to guide them into embracing different races. Babies are learning to trust their parents, family and caregivers. Included in the close group of caregivers there should be a people of color. By having nurturing positive POC in their small world they learn to trust and internalize this as a positive experience which influences their future social experiences. Equally as important is how the parents are treating the caregiver or close friend. Infants and toddlers are very sensitive to the way their parents are acting. If the parents are being kind and respectful to the caregiver the child picks this up.
Babies and toddlers are learning to recognize differences. We encourage them to separate shapes, colors, and patterns as a logical way to see what makes things the same and what makes them different. This applies for people too. Reading books with human characters that don’t look like them and are interacting in the story in a fun positive way is a super easy start for all parents. Human characters in books or videos help to develop an affinity for many different types of people and are directly relatable as opposed to reading books with animals.
My AA friends always seek out toys that look like their kids and books that have AA characters. You can do the same by adding dolls, action figures and books with various racial groups into your child's life.
At around 3 years old it is a good idea to start playing games with them. There are multi cultural matching card games with children's faces printed on them from different cultures. These can be found from a quick internet search.
A simple hand game is to have them put their hands up to one of their African American, Latino or Asian friends hands. Let them study what is similar and what is different. Have them look in the mirror and compare and contrast their faces. This can be done with dolls or action figures too. Point out the characters in books that look like your child and your child's friend of color. I Always love using the “friend” connection. It makes it personal and there is an “aha” moment when they see characters that look like themselves and their friends of color. When they care about their friends they will care about how their friends are treated. Which lays the groundwork for allyship. This seems like a big leap but we are starting small and working up.
You may start getting questions from kids that are sometimes pointed and can leave you a bit thrown off by their frankness. They don’t have the social skills or even words to communicate what they are thinking. Giving them the words for emotions and letting them see you gracefully handle the situation is invaluable to the foundation of race conversations.
I have heard, “Mommy, that man’s skin is dirty?” or “He looks like poop”. You may be alarmed and want to crawl away. Don’t panic. Kids are obsessed with poop! Your kids aren’t racist they are curious. They are trying to figure out how the world is organized. Look directly at the person they are talking about, smile and acknowledge them. The child can see that you are being friendly and respectful. Tell your child that their skin is not dirty. Introduce them to the word melanin, it is what gives people varying shades of color in their skin, hair and eyes. If you think your child is ready, you can lead into a conversation on how people’s “looks” have evolved from different parts of the world. For example: northern dwellers tend to be pale with less melanin because they are not exposed to the sun. People from more southern or hotter regions tend to be darker and have more melanin in their skin to protect them from the sun.
If your child makes a comment about “dirt” or “poop” to a person with dark skin. Let your child know, in front of the person they commented on, it hurts people to say they look like poop. Acknowledging the person is valuable to helping your child know that the person deserves respect. Then go into the explanation of melanin.
Mixed race families can be confusing for a child whose family is of the same race. If your child sees a family of different races they may stare and ask “Are those your kids? They don’t look like you”. After you have taken a breath, share with them that there are many different types of families. If you know of mixed race families in your school or community invite them over for a “playdate” or reach out to them as fellow members of the community. The children’s book “The Family Book” by Todd Parr is a colorful, appealing book for younger kids to learn about families.
I often ask my child “What do they think of a situation?” Or “What do they know about a subject or why do they ask a certain question?” It allows me to know where they are and how to start a conversation with them. It reveals what they know or don’t know. Kids are instructed 24-7 to do everything so when an adult asks their opinion it allows them to feel powerful and respected. You would be amazed at what they think.
Just like when my son came home and told me his friend Aaron was blind. I knew Aaron was not blind. I responded with “That is interesting. Why do you think this?” He said “Because his eyes are almost closed”. Aaron is of Asian descent. This led into a conversation about asian people and why they look different from him. We talked about my son’s features, heritage and color. We also talked about blind people and ways we may be able to know if someone is blind or visually impaired. He was delighted and felt like he learned something new.
Sometimes kids don’t want or are not ready for an elaborate explanation. If they do not pursue it at the moment then you may want to ask your child in a couple of days “Why did you ask this... question?” It is worthwhile to really listen to what they say. Their minds are consuming tons of information and they are striving to understand how life works. Keep it simple and explore with them.
Other common questions are about physical appearance. Elaborate on the unique qualities that make us different from one another and how we each are human but we also get to be unique and special. Give an example of Zebra’s. They look different from each other but they still are Zebras. Or maybe you know a family that has a child that has different features from their siblings. They are all human and yet are unique. This allows us to be identified as an individual within a group.
A child may express certain likes and dislikes for the way people look. Some people like pancakes and some like french toast. Emphasize that these unique qualities are what makes the world a better place otherwise it would be pretty boring if everyone looked the same.
If you get the feeling there is something triggering a dislike, explore it. They could be having racist thoughts and not even know it. There could be a fellow student or friend that is being racist. Gently explore the “why” and guide them into seeing another point of view and clearly define racism for them. By defining racism it gives them a word that is specific to mis-treatment of a person of color. Our society has embraced educating our kids about bullying. If you have talked to your child about bullying then you can take it one step further and explain that Racism is a form of bullying but specific to one's skin, hair or physical traits. Ask your child how they would feel if their black friend, Michelle, was being bullied because of the color of her skin? Referring to their friend makes it personal and allows them to embrace the injustice of racism. This is a kid friendly book about racism: “A Book About Racism by Jelani Memory https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LnaltG5N8nE
Children of color do experience racism from friends or classmates. Often the white kids don’t know they are being racist and may not know what racism is. Children, no matter what color, make comments about being better than another child because of color, physical appearance, money, clothes, etc. Your response can again emphasize everyone is special in their own way and one's skin/hair/eyes/ clothes / toys do not make someone better than another.
Avoid using the word equal because not everyone is treated equally within our society. Letting your children know that black people are treated differently than white people introduces the concept of inequality and equity. Equality is when everyone has the same or equal rights. Equity is when everyone is treated fairly. Sounds awfully similar. A simple example of equity is that let say...you are allowing both of your children to have a cookie on the counter but your youngest can't reach them. In order for both of the kids to have a fair chance of reaching the cookies you bring a step stool for your younger child. This levels the playing field by bringing both kids to the same height to reach the cookies.
Fairness is a big issue for kids and adults. It may come up as early as 3 years old. As adults we know that life can be quite unfair. For example: Your child is at the playground and he has only one toy but his friend has two toys. He cries “That’s not fair!”. You can say “It feels sad when things are not fair. I know it doesn’t seem fair for your friend to have another toy but right now we don’t have another one for you.”
If your child understands the feeling of sadness and hurt by being treated unfairly then they can tap into that emotion when they see others not being treated fairly.
As kids get around 5 years old fairness can be expanded on. “It’s not fair Joey gets a bike for his birthday and I don’t”. Maybe you can’t afford one right now. Maybe you don’t feel your child is responsible yet to have a bike or simply not able to ride a bike yet. It is important to have them understand you can empathize with them and acknowledge and name their feelings and emotions.
“Sometimes things are not fair. There are times when you may have something Joey wants. Right now this is the way it is in our family. I know it doesn’t feel good and I can see it makes you angry that you aren’t treated fairly.” This lays the groundwork for them to connect with the awful feeling of being treated unfairly. When you empathize with them it allows them to know that you understand how they feel. You can take this opportunity to explain either in the moment or at a later time, that there are a lot of people in the world that are treated unfairly because of their skin color, religion, gender or amount of money they have. Ask them how that might feel about others being treated unfairly. This sounds over simplified but appropriate for a 5 year old. In my next episode I will focus on older kids and fairness with more in depth conversations.
Another question I have heard is “What race are we?” You can answer “We are the human race”. You may find a confused expression on their faces because at this point they have already breathed in racial biases from friends, media and unspoken messaging. Science is the back up to your answer. There is only the human race according to the Human Genome Project. We are 99.9 percent the same!
How can we incorporate the concept of structural racism? When my son was 5 we were going to a shelter to make a donation in the Tenderloin in SF. He said “Mom how come there are so many homeless black people”. I was taken aback and thought “How do I tell him about the mistreatment of black people”.
So I told him that most of the people in this country are white. And most of the business owners in our country are white people. White people hire people that look like themselves so if you are black you aren’t hired. If you don’t have a job then you can’t make money to pay rent. So if you can’t pay rent you won’t have a place to live. This is pretty simplified but it sets a really basic scaffolding for the structural aspect of racism. Now my kids always want to give money to people without shelter. As a parent and ally you can support black owned businesses to economically elevate black people. Vote for policies that are equitable. When there is a proposition I find out who funds it. Who does it benefit? And who does it harm.
Your kids are watching you! When your kids see you reacting to something they take note of it. If you are upset about what is going on with the killings of black folks and racism and you have an “upset” look on your face they are going to want to know what is affecting you. They are concerned about your feelings too. Be open with them and share your emotions. We want children to feel emotion and be honest about how they feel. This develops empathy. In an age appropriate way tell them you are upset about racism and the way African Americans and POC are treated. When they see your emotions they will feel for you and grasp how you feel about racism.
When they can tap into these feelings they build the courage to start making things better and find their inner superhero to fight injustices.
Tell your kids that you are participating in a class or peaceful protest. When they see you are being active they are more willing to do the same. Guide them through the internet to see what they can do for their age to be an anti-racist.
If you have laid the groundwork for them and talked to them about racism you can tell them that you are upset because a black man was killed by a white policeman and this happens three times more to black men than white men. Refer to their Black friends and ask them how their friend would feel if their dad was killed because of his skin color? This can lead into a conversation about “How some police are racist and that can interfere with their judgement.” White people do have a privileged relationship with the police so your kids probably admire the police. I don’t want my black kids to hate the police but I do need to prepare them for how they will be treated differently by the police and society. My kids have been to the local police department and know the police there. I try to find positive situations with police and emphasize that not all police are racist but my boys do need to be mindful of their actions as a black males. White children, also, need to know that black people are more at risk when it comes to the police.
Talk about Black history. Children as young as 5 years old can learn about AA history. As parents we have learned history through a white washed lens. Even MLK has been whitewashed as a hero of peaceful protest but if you do not talk about the deep injustices AA were experiencing then the message of what he was fighting for will be lost. Black parents teach their children about black history. Talking about slavery, segregation and Jim Crow laws can be overwhelming. You may think your child is too young to learn about such oppression. If you feel uncomfortable or unequipped to talk about African American history then tap into children's books or videos. There are many resources that are age appropriate for them to learn about AA history that include civil rights, slavery, Jim crow and segregation. For younger kids there is Ron’s Big Mission is about Ron McNair an African American astronaut and his childhood experience of Jim Crow laws. He wasn’t able to check out library books when he was a child. I remember reading this to my son when he was 4 and he jumped up and said “That’s not fair”.
Love Twelve Miles Long by Glenda Armand is about Fredrick Douglas and his mother during the times of slavery and the love and trials of those times. Sweet Clara and the Freedom Quilt by Debra Hoskinson is about the Underground railroad. The Unsung Hero of Birdsong by Brenda Woods is a book about the Jim Crow era and an unlikely friendship that endures the extreme racism of the time.
A few websites for books are https://bookshop.org/shop/hereweeread
https://socialjusticebooks.org/booklists/
History is important but they need to know that things are changing and it is a work in progress. Once you have guided your children through the historical process you need to address current events. This is really a tough one. I want to preserve my children's innocence but feel it is important to know the facts. Again everything is age appropriate. Reassure your kids so they have a sense of hope, that Things have changed since the abolishment of slavery but oppression and racism are still here.
As white people we can be allies to our Black friends and POC. If they ask “What’s an ally?” Explain it in an age appropriate way. An ally is someone who supports a POC when they are being treated unfairly, bullied, or made fun of. This is where the inner superhero comes in handy. If your child sees a friend being treated this way, have your child tell an adult, tell the racist bully that they are being racist. This really shocks kids because so many don’t know the meaning of the word racist. Have your child alert an adult. If your child feels safe have them take their friend's hand and guide them to a safe place or to an adult.
As a parent patterning being an ally shows your child how to be an ally. To be an ally you are working towards being an anti-racist which reduces the harmful consequences of racism.
Thank you for coming one step closer to being an anti-racist. My “ask” of you, this week, is to commit to read one book, give one definition, watch one video about racism with your child. There are tons of resources on the internet. Have your child research with you. And make it a journey you can do together.
Take care and if you have older kids my next episode will be about them.